I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
