I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
