george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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