I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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