If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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