I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
