So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
