I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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