I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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