I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
