Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
