really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
