Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
