I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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