I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
