This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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