take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
