nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
