It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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