I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
