If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
