you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't want my vagina anymore.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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