i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
