I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it was like eating out sand paper
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
