The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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