I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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