k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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