Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
