i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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