the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
