They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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