i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
