ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
