I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm passing your future prison.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
50% drunk capacity currently
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
