she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
