Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
