dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
