Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
