It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
