I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
