Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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