i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
