can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
