Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
this beer tastes like vomit already
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
