have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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