I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
