I'm going to jail i love you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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