Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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