i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
