put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
