i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
